in-fi-nite: limitless or endless in space, extent or size; impossible to measure or calculate (ie boundless, unbounded, unlimited, limitless, never-ending, interminable) ~ Google Dictionary
I remember driving with my mother as a pre-teen. I was probably around 12 years old. By this time, I had already experienced a lot of trauma in the form of family turmoil but, even more so, in the form of my own "gifts". I was a highly sensitive empath deeply attuned to the emotions and energy around me. I hadn't yet learned how to regulate this energy I was feeling so it often manifested in emotional outrage, depression, anxiety and even suicidal thoughts. It felt like there was no escape. I don't quite remember what was going on in my mind that day in the car with my mother, but I remember the incredibly intense sensation in my body that I needed to put my hands in the Earth. I was hysterically crying and I demanded that she take me to "put my hands in the Earth." She obliged, as she most always did during my outrages, remaining quiet and holding space for my premature emotional and spiritual confusion. She stopped the car at a place that held many fond childhood memories for us. I opened the car door before the car was even in park and I ran. I remember looking back at her worried face and I could feel her contemplating whether to get out and follow me or just let go and surrender to Nature's call to help me heal. I ran into the forest and stayed close enough to the entry so she could still see me. Although I was not all together, I wanted her to know I was safe.
I knelt down on the Earth, I remember it was a warm early Fall ("Indian Summer")and the leaves were beneath me. I shuffled the leaves away and began to sink my hands into the warm Autumn soil. I grabbed the soil and clenched my hands into it so I could feel it underneath my nails. Growing up in a series of apartments meant I had little access to forests and open horizons. I must say, I always found a way to be close to Nature and, especially to Animals.
Immediately, my hysterical crying turned into a beautiful release of tears and presence in my young body. It had been a long road to get to 12 years old. And the road was still long ahead of me. But that day, something changed, it was like I met my Infinite Guide and Healer who would stay with me and carry me through the storm. I became One with Nature.
Looking back on my journey as a young person on the road less traveled, I realize just how much of a shift happened that day in the forest. Although things didn't necessarily get "better" for quite some time (and A LOT of personal work learning and healing), something had changed. I no longer felt alone, as long as I was near Nature and Animals. I frequented Animal Shelters and would volunteer at the local Senior's Residence as a dog walker. No one really knew my story nor did they need to. I would just smile and make my way to Nature.
When I was 15, after my parent's divorce, I went to live with an older boy who was 19. His parents were also divorced and he lived in the basement of an old house in downtown Toronto. While we shared in destructive habits and, with both of us coming from a place of unhealed trauma, the relationship was not a healthy one, I look back at the solace we shared in Nature. Nature had sent him the same invitation it did to me. We would meander through forests, observing Nature and wildlife. We would bike ride for hours in Nature and visit the Animals at the Toronto Humane Society. He introduced me to a place called Riverdale Park where I would come to spend many hours reading spiritual and self-help books beneath the muzzles of two large draft Horses, dreaming about a life outside of the City. We parted ways 5 years later, after a heck of a ride for survival together. While our young love did not last the test of time, I do believe we were sent to help each other survive the struggle of those tough adolescent years. And we did.
Many years have passed since these memories and, thankfully, I now share a healthy relationship with my husband and our family, but one thing remains. This invitation that I accepted from Nature has continued to heal and guide me to places I only dreamed of while I sunk my hands in the soil that day. I watch my husband and our son in their connection to Nature; I have witnessed both of my parents on their healing journey, I see client after client experience life-changing moments here on our farm, and I rest assured that I did not walk that rocky road in vain. I am here to continue to learn and share these incredible teachings that are innate to our species, but have largely dissipated in amidst the busyness of modern day Western culture.
Nature showed me it was not a dream. Many humans make it a far fetched dream but it is not a dream. That connection is real and Nature has the ability to heal us on all levels. We just need to be with it long enough to hear its call. This means slowing down, and making the connection.
Now, almost 40 years into my journey here on Earth (this time around anyway lol), I have explored what I knew in my heart back then, in formality now. I am educated and experienced in the healing power of herbs, plants, flowers and food as well as the healing power of being in the presence of Nature and Horses (and all animals!). I have learned how to regulate and modulate my empathic energy in a way that serves my highest self and serves in helping others on their healing journey. I have embraced the "gifts" that once made me feel so different as what connects me to the magnificence of All That Is now. And it always did. And so do yours.
Although I have realized my ultimate dream of living in close harmony with Nature and Animals as I share my life and healing practice with Nature and our Horse Teachers, I remain humble to my earliest teachings. There are still times that I find myself kneeling in the forest crying tears of gratitude for surviving the journey that led me to this beautiful place. I wrap my arms around the trees in complete honor for their lessons. I cherish the heart shaped rocks I find in my path, reminding me that I am on the right path. The path of love and learning. I have written hundreds of poems with the voice of Nature and the Horses coming through my heart and my fingertips, guiding the pen between them and the words that appear on the paper.
I have learned that we are never stuck. We are never alone. And we never have to look very far for guidance and support.
The next time you feel stuck in an internal struggle, take your shoes off and sink your feet in the grass or in the river. Touch a rock or hug a tree. Speak to Nature and its Animals, more so, listen to them speak to you. You, too, will receive the Invitation to Infinite. And it's never to late to accept it.
Then you will realize that you ARE Nature. You ARE Animals. You ARE Infinite. Because WE ARE ONE. And do you know what that means?
Well, according to Google, it means YOU ARE: limitless or endless in space, extent or size; impossible to measure or calculate (ie boundless, unbounded, unlimited, limitless, never-ending, interminable)!!!